Bad jokes.

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Treggar
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Bad jokes.

Post by Treggar » Thu May 09, 2002 10:25 am

How about a collection of bad jokes or quotes? Here's the only two I have at the moment.

Where do Sith Lords get all of the their equipment? The Darth Mall.

Eagles may fly but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

Jaffo
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Heh heh...

Post by Jaffo » Fri May 10, 2002 9:07 am

Here's my contribution to the bad joke/quote collection:

A couple of guys are walking down the street. The first guy walks into a bar. The second guy ducks.
--Jaffo

The Effervescent
The TechnoMage
The Adjutant
The Appropriately Adorable
The Second (I was a close runner up to The One, but I failed the Trenchcoat Swirling final exam)

Games
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Post by Games » Mon May 13, 2002 10:20 am

"Star Trek Lost Episodes"
<Picard> "Mr LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"


<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through the archives on late twentieth-century computing technology."


<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>


<Riker looks surprised> "What the hell is 'Microsoft?"


<Data turns to answer>"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."


<Picard> "But the Borh have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"


<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normail operational functions."


<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.


.....15 MINUTES LATER......


<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the Borg's cmmand unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received and confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."


<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.


<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed".


<Data> "Sir, i believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards".


<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F....."


<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"


<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"


<Data, studying displays> "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitare', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."


<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitare' can reduce their funtionally."


......TWO HOURS PASS......


<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"


<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for the increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources i have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-pack".


<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"


<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."


<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered the sector."


<Picard> "Identify"


<Data> "It appears to be very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo...."


<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP_MONOPLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION ON UNRESGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."


<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."


<Riker> "My God, captain! those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship-with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"


<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer i believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century men as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."


<Riker and Picard, together-horrified> "Lawyers!!"


<Geordi> "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded ip and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."


<Data> "True, but appearently some must have survived."


<Riker> "They have surronded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."


<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."


<Riker> "Ther're tearing the Borg to pieces".


<Picard> "Turn the monitors off Data, i can't bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve sich a gruesome death".

ASGAnne
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Post by ASGAnne » Tue May 14, 2002 4:59 am

Ya, I know, it's not StarTrekkie... but I did like it <g> ~Ann


There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying:

TREE FELLERS WANTED.

"Ohhh, to be sure, too be sure!" said one. "What a shame there are only the two of us!"

ASGAnne
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Post by ASGAnne » Tue May 14, 2002 5:07 am

Words of wisdom, because I have to post something so I'll be tied with Seth's record... heh... check it out, we have both posted the mostest...LOL


*****
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid
to say and then don't say it." --Sam Levenson

***

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell
that can't." --Abraham Lincoln

***

"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great
wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there
is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch."
--Dave James



~Ann

ASGSeth
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Post by ASGSeth » Tue May 14, 2002 12:12 pm

Someone you trust is one of them.

~Seth

ASGAnne
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Post by ASGAnne » Wed May 15, 2002 5:04 am

ASGSeth wrote:Someone you trust is one of them.

~Seth
Who is one of them? And what are they? I'm very confused.

~Ann

ASGSeth
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Post by ASGSeth » Wed May 15, 2002 6:11 pm

They're everywhere!

Treggar
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Them

Post by Treggar » Wed May 15, 2002 7:15 pm

T.H.E.Y. = The Horde of Economic Yodelers

THEY rule the world along with NOONE.

ASGAnne
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Post by ASGAnne » Thu May 16, 2002 5:08 am

And what do "They" do? Yodel at Seth? <g>

~Ann

ASGAnne
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Post by ASGAnne » Fri May 17, 2002 6:44 am

Does anyone remember the bad "Kling on" joke? Something about toilet paper I think?

Let me know what it is if you can remember it.

~Ann

Kern Renkay
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Klingon Joke

Post by Kern Renkay » Fri May 17, 2002 9:53 pm

What does Star Trek and Toilet paper have in common?

They both wipe out Cling-ons (Klingons)!
The Force flows through me
And through it the path is clear
I protect those who cannot protect themselves
I am a Jedi

Lt. Commander Kern Renkay, ASG

Games
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Post by Games » Sat May 18, 2002 1:03 pm

How many counsellors does it take to change a lightblub?


Two, one to change it, the other to help cope with the change.
It's not whether you win or lose that counts: it's how much pain you inflict along the way.

Games
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Post by Games » Sat May 18, 2002 1:04 pm

How many Pakleds does it take to change a lightblub?


None, instead they send out a distress call to the Enterprise-D and wait until it shows up so they can kidnap the Chief Engineer so he can change it.
It's not whether you win or lose that counts: it's how much pain you inflict along the way.

Games
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Post by Games » Sun May 19, 2002 2:02 pm

Microsoft style restaurant

If a restaurant would have it's custumer service like Microsoft, here's what would happen if you found a fly in your soup...

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

*Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check*

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

*Waiter leaves*

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax
It's not whether you win or lose that counts: it's how much pain you inflict along the way.

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